If the Lord says the same, on July 10th, Tonia and I will be married 23 years. I am humbled, grateful and excited. We have had many ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and a lot of amazing days and some “Meh” days. But, over the last two decades, we have a done a few simple things to strengthen our relationship.

The truth is, marriage or any relationship for that matter, is hard work. Yes, it’s hard work, but you can maintain the spark and strengthen your relationship for the long haul. How do we enhance our relationship so it can last through the difficult times?

• Appreciate your partner regularly. The lack of appreciation for your partner will inevitably lead to us taking them for granted. So, say positive things about your partner.

• Connect daily with your partner. Before we leave the house, Tonia and I ask one another what’s in store for the day. This helps us to know how to pray for one another. Not only do we connect before we leave the house, but we also connect during the day through text messages and calls. Then, when we come home, we review our day with one another.

• Nurture transparency. Opening your life to your mate is one way to develop transparency in your relationship. One simple way Tonia and I cultivate openness in our relationship is by sharing online passwords. My mantra is: “Nothing to hide. Nothing to fear.”

• Forgive your partner immediately. Life is too short to remain angry with one another for extended periods of time. The Bible says we should not let the sun go down on our anger or conflict. So, when you experience conflict, take the time to cool down and resolve the dispute before you go to bed.

• Have dinner together. With varying schedules, I know this can be difficult. But, winning back the dinner table is significant in strengthening our relationships. At the dinner table, we share the events of the day and connect emotionally. So, as much as possible, share dinner together several nights a week.

• Ask one another “God sighting” questions. In my humble opinion, there is nothing stronger than asking your partner: “Where do you see God showing up in your life these days?” Or, “What has God been saying to you today?”

• Accept your partner for who God has created them to be. Nothing weakens a relationship more than trying to change your partner. The sooner we realized this, the more joy we had in our relationship. God created them the way they are, and only God can change them to be who he wants them to be. So, let’s stop playing the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

• Develop your code language. Tonia and I have developed our insider code language. Sometimes, we use language from our favorite movies or television shows. Other times, we use language from a funny memory. When there is miscommunication, one of us might refer to the Christmas in Chicago, and we both will laugh out loud. These moments create intimacy and intimacy strengthens the bond in the relationship.

• Ask your partner their opinion and listen. “What do you think about …..?” is a compelling question. It is a matter of invitation and honor. This question lets your partner know you value them and their opinion.

• Be vulnerable. You don’t always have to be strong. Your vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it is an indicator of strength. Let your partner know your struggles. According to James 5:16, our healing is found in vulnerability.

• Practice honesty. Nothing destroys the foundation of a relationship quicker than lies. Be honest. Tell the truth to one another. Truthfulness and honesty are fruits of the new nature.

• Listen actively. I am so guilty of preparing my answer while Tonia is still talking. I miss so much when I do this. So, I practice actively listening. When Tonia is talking, and she wants an answer or an opinion about something, I attempt to repeat back to her – in her words – what I thought I heard. This helps me to pay attention, and it gives her a chance to clarify her words. Sometimes, our partners don’t want solutions; they only want to be heard.

• Express gratitude for your partner daily. Saying thank you goes a long way.

• Realize you don’t always have to be right. Winning the relationship is infinitely more important than winning the argument.

• Put your partner before yourself. Selfishness is the death of any relationship. Find ways to put your partner first.

• Protect your relationship from emotional affairs. Infidelity – physical or emotional – ruins relationships.  When do not resolve conflict, it is easy to vilify our partners and fantasize about being with someone else. So, guard your heart.

• Talk about money. Spend time communicating about money – how you will spend it, save it, and give it away.

• Have sex regularly.  Now, this is strictly for married couples. When we don’t satisfy one another sexually, we open the door for Satan to tempt us to have emotional and physical affairs. Sexual intimacy is not strong enough to keep a relationship together, but it does help strengthen the relationship.

• Pray together. I love hearing Tonia pray for me and she loves it when she hears me praying for her. I know this may seem awkward at first, but believe me, praying for one another strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

• Have a date night. If you dated her in the beginning, continue dating her now. Whether it is once a week or every other week, intentionally plan a date night.

Developing a strong marriage/relationship takes work and intentionality. It is like planting a garden. Whatever seeds you plant, is the fruit you will reap at harvest time. So, what are you planting?

What are some other simple ways we can strengthen our relationships? 

The post 20 Simple Ways To Strengthen Your Relationship appeared first on Marvin Williams.

I like to watch a movie before giving a strong opinion or recommending it. But, then there are times when I don’t need to see before giving a definite opinion. Fifty Shades Darker, the new sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey, is one of those movies. I believe there are several reasons why followers of Jesus should NOT see Fifty Shades Darker.

Fifty Shades of Grey, an erotic romance novel (made into a movie), tells the story of Anatasia, a college student, and Christian Grey, a successful entrepreneur. The two meet, have a sexual relationship that becomes increasingly abusive, where Ana suffers the most harm.

Timed for Valentine’s Day, Fifty Shades Darker, the new sequel to Fifty Shades of Grey (based on the best-selling romance series by E.L. James), opened last night in the UK and is opening in U.S. today. Several secular critics threw shade at the film, calling it a “travesty,” “Fifty Shades Dumber,” and its “own punishment.”

If you had already planned to see the movie then nothing I will say will convince you otherwise. However, if you are still on the fence about it and there is a UFC fight going on in your conscience, I advise you, as one of the shepherds of your soul, to NOT see the movie. I believe Fifty Shades Darker:

Cheapens the beautiful gift of sex

God created and ordained sex (Genesis 1:27-28). It is a beautiful gift, intended for human beings to enjoy. Men and women are designed to complement one another and to take sexual pleasure in one another. But, God has provided us with this beautiful gift for the full and glad expression of it in marriage (Genesis 2:23-24).

Glorifies sexual sin.

Originating in our fallen nature, sexual sin is any sexual activity that goes beyond the limits that God has set for the enjoyment of sex. This list includes, but is not limited, the following:

• Pre-marital sex – any sexual activity before marriage (Deuteronomy 22:13-21)
• Adultery – any sexual activity with anyone other than your spouse (Exodus 20:14)
• Prostitution – exchanging sex for money or other favors (Leviticus 19:29)
• Homosexual sex – sexual activity and relations between the same sex (Leviticus 18:22)
• Rape – sexual violation of an individual, usually by force or against the person will (Deuteronomy 22:25-29)
• Bestiality – having sex with animals (Exodus 22:19)
• Pornography – using images – movies, pictures, and magazines – that show or describe nudity or sexual activity. These images are intended to arouse erotic and lustful, rather than emotional feelings (Matthew 5:27-30).

As in Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker glorifies sexual sin, and it perverts the good gift of sex. Paul tells us to flee sexual sin, not run towards it (1 Corinthians 6:18). When we glorify sexual sin, it becomes easier to create our standards and desensitize our hearts to the holiness of God.

Sensationalizes sexual and emotional abuse.

In the both movies, according to reviews, there are scenes of emotional and sexual abuse between Anastasia and Christian. I can’t even begin to imagine the trauma women and men have experienced at the hands of others. When we see abuse on the screen, disguised as romance, it desensitizes us to abuse and normalizes crime against women and men. Every man and woman is created in the image of God (Genesis 1:26) and deserves to be treated with dignity and honor. Dominating of another human being through emotional, physical and sexual abuse violates the Imago Dei in another person. This grieves the heart of God.

Objectifies women.

In both movies, according to reviews, Christian objectifies Ana by making her his sexual slave. What is means to objectify women is to degrade them to the status a mere object. We reduce them to just their physical appearance and sexual parts. This is reprehensible. Period. God created women as beautiful gifts from his gracious hand. When we fail to recognize this, it becomes easier to treat women as objects. Also, the objectification of women will always end in emotional distance in a relationship.

God desires men to engage with women according to their full range of humanness, not just their physical appearance. We sacrifice emotional closeness when we see women as objects. Therefore, we must recognize that women are infinitely more than their bodies and objects to fulfill men’s sexual fantasies and desires.

Promotes pornography.

Because porn invites and hosts lust, we know that it does not bring glory to God (Matthew 5:27-30). According to GQ Magazine (apparently not known for biblical insight), gives ten compelling reasons why people should stop watching porn. Among some of the reasons are it negatively impacts the brain and people who look at porn are always looking for new sexual experiences and partners. Satan is using Fifty Shades Darker to disguise pornography as romance. Porn has ruined marriages, families, careers and churches. Let’s not allow Satan to continue to win the war of enslaving our hearts. I love how Christian rapper, Trip Lee, talks about pornography in this brief video. 

Soils our souls

What we place before our eyes, eventually seeps into and stains our souls. Because my heart is already wicked (Jeremiah 17:9) I don’t need to help my flesh out by watching a movie that would stimulate my flesh and soil my soul. The Psalmist was so desperate for life and the preservation of his soul, he prays that God would turn his eyes away from worthless things and guard his heart through the Scriptures (Psalm 119:37). Job made a covenant with his eyes that he would not look with lust at a woman (Job 31:1). Trip Lee, in his song Covenant Eyes, encourages us to submit our eyes to King Jesus.

If you are still on the fence about seeing the movie, ask yourself several questions:

What desire in my heart am I trying to fill that Jesus cannot fill? 
Will seeing Fifty Shades Darker draw me closer to Jesus or be instrumental in pushing me away from Jesus?

As God’s holy people, we are called to think and behave according to kingdom values. Personally, I don’t see how watching Fifty Shades Darker will promote kingdom values and shine our light in a dark world.

What are some other reasons why you believe Christians should not see Fifty Shades Darker? 

The post Should Christians Go See Fifty Shades Darker? appeared first on Marvin Williams.

Couples living together is nothing new, but it seems like it is more common today than it has ever been. Even followers of Jesus appear to think there is nothing wrong with it. The truth is, you are not going to find a verse in the Bible commanding single people not to live together. If there is no verse in the Bible prohibiting people living together, then it must be all right to do so, right?

Why Do Couples Choose to Live Together

Many couples live together for some of the following reasons:

It’s convenient

It’s cheaper

Loneliness or living alone is undesirable

We’re going to get married anyway

Fear of commitment to marriage

People believe cultural lies

We want to see if we are compatible

We don’t see anything wrong with it 

What Does the Bible Say About Couples Living Together?

How should someone who has chosen to follow Jesus think about this culturally acceptable issue? Well, you are not going to find a verse in the Bible that says: “Thou shall not live together.” However, I believe some principles can guide our thinking and behavior.

If you followers of Jesus, and you are living together sexually, there are only three possible solutions:

1. Get married. 1 Corinthians 7:9
2. Live in separate houses or apartments and stop having sex until after your wedding day.
3. End the relationship and live alone, if you cannot control your sexual passions.

Continuing living together is not an option for a follower of Jesus. If you are unmarried and living together sexually, you are sinning, and you need to repent and decide to submit your sexuality to the Lordship of Christ.

What if we are living together and remaining abstinent?

Because the Bible doesn’t have an explicit prohibition, does that mean we can live together? Not so fast, people.

First, you are placing yourself in the throes of temptation. You can’t play with fire and not eventually get burned. I have had a few men tell me: “Pastor, we can sleep in the same bed and not be sexually active.” Dude, I firmly say, you are freaking deluding yourself. You are a better man than every other red-blooded man I know.”

Secondly, you are negatively impacting your testimony for Jesus. Even if you are not having sex, and you tell people you are not having sex, they will look at you side-eyed and will not believe you. This can negatively affect your testimony for Jesus. We have an awesome responsibility to be a light in the world for our Father:

In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven. Matthew 5:16

Living together cloaks and covers that light. I think people are looking for examples – people who say they are Christians and live like they are Christians. I think living together gives non-Christians a reason not to follow Jesus.

Why Getting Married is Wiser Than Living Together

First, marriage helps to create trust. When couples choose to live together, there is no upfront commitment, which creates trust. Most couples I know and counsel, who have decided to live together, suffer from trust issues. Some couples will say that they don’t need a piece of paper to declare their trust. This is true. However, you have to be concerned about a couple who will not publicly declare their commitment to one another.

Secondly, marriage states, plainly and openly, your love and dedication. The wedding ceremony is to marriage as baptism is to salvation. Baptism does not save us and the wedding ceremony does not make us married. However, both baptism and the marriage ceremony are public declarations and commitment to Jesus and our spouses, respectively. Baptism reveals our newfound identity in Jesus and the wedding ceremony declares our new found commitment to our spouses. If a person does not commit to marrying you publicly, you have to worry about his/her love for you.

No, you are not going to find an explicit verse in the Bible that prohibits a couple from living together. However, there are enough biblical principles and other dangers to warn couples against cohabitating. God expects us to swim against the current and let our lights shine in a dark world, not contribute to the darkness.

What are some other reasons why Christians should not live together before marriage? 

The post Can My Girlfriend and I Love Jesus and Live Together? appeared first on Marvin Williams.

Your faults as a son, are my failures as a father. These are the remorseful words of Marcus Aurelius to his son, Commodus, in the movie Gladiator, when he realized that he had not done an adequate job preparing him to be emperor. I think these should have been the words of Dan Turner to his son, ex-Stanford University swimmer, Brock Turner after he assaulted and raped a woman in 2015.  But, his words were far from remorseful and repentant. They were foolish, absurd, ridiculous, asinine.

Ex-Stanford University swimmer, Brock Turner, 20, was convicted in March of assault with intent to commit rape of an intoxicated woman, sexually penetrating an intoxicated person with a foreign object, and sexually penetrating an unconscious person. After sixteen months of trial and testimony, he was sentenced to six months in jail. It was felony rape, and all he received was a slap on the wrist. I don’t care how you look at it, the sentence falls embarrassingly short of the crime committed. Though he had no prior record or any kind of violent crime, it was rape, a violent crime. My friends, this is what you call privilege – racial, economic and educational. His attorney used each privilege to convince the judge to be lenient. People are outraged that a judge would be so blind. In fact, an online petition was started to remove the judge from his position. At this writing, more than 400,000 people have signed the petition, protesting his decision and lobbying for his removal.

The woman wrote an emotional and compelling letter, staging her own protest against the judge’s decision and Mr. Brock Turner. She read it to Turner, addressing him directly. It is powerful, riveting and raw. If you have older sons, you should let them read it or read it to them. Here is an excerpt from her letter:

You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today. … I don’t want my body anymore. I was terrified of it.

Now, though she used poor judgment in consuming too much alcohol (which she admits), it did not give Mr. Turner the right to assault her. Rape her. Traumatize her. There is no excuse for his actions.

To add insult to injury, father of Brock Turner, wrote a letter decrying his son’s jail sentence because he said his 20-year-old son has already suffered enough.

As it stands now, Brock’s life has been deeply altered forever by the events of Jan. 17th and 18th. He will never be his happy go lucky self with that easy going personality and welcoming smile. His every waking minute is consumed with worry, anxiety, fear and depression. You can see this in his face, the way he walks, his weakened voice, his lack of appetite.”

Dan Turner argued that Brock’s loss of appetite and a swimming scholarship is punishment enough:

Brock always enjoyed certain types of food and is a very good cook himself. I was always excited to buy him a big ribeye steak to grill or to get his favorite snack for him. I had to make sure to hide some of my favorite pretzels or chips because I knew they wouldn’t be around long after Brock walked in from a long swim practice. Now he barely consumes any food and eats only to exist. These verdicts have broken and shattered him and our family in so many ways. His life will never be the one that he dreamed about and worked so hard to achieve. That is a steep price to pay for 20 minutes of action out of his 20 plus years of life. The fact that he now has to register as a sexual offender for the rest of his life forever alters where he can live, visit, work, and how he will be able to interact with people and organizations. What I know as his father is that incarceration is not the appropriate punishment for Brock. He has no prior criminal history and has never been violent to anyone including his actions on the night of Jan 17th 2015. Brock can do so many positive things as a contributor to society and is totally committed to educating other college age students about the dangers of alcohol consumption and sexual promiscuity. By having people like Brock educate others on college campuses is how society can begin to break the cycle of binge drinking and its unfortunate results. Probation is the best answer for Brock in this situation and allows him to give back to society in a net positive way.

I am so sorry that Brock can’t eat steak, pretzels, and his favorite chips anymore. I know Dan Turner loves his son, but for him to make such a tone-deaf plea for leniency shows that he, obviously, lacks the self-awareness of an emotionally healthy individual. If this father had done his job in raising his son to be a man, Brock would have used the twenty minutes to do something more constructive: walked this woman home, protected her from predators, or called someone to pick her up and waited with her. In my humble and passionate opinion, I think the father should be sentenced to jail for writing such a ridiculously asinine letter. He should tell his son and the public what Marcus Aurelius told Commodus in the movie Gladiator: 

Your faults as a son, are my failures as a father.

In his letter, the father never mentioned the pain of the victim. He never apologized for the irreparable hurt his son caused this woman. This is tragically unacceptable. Her lack of wisdom and judgment in drinking too much was no free pass to rape her. Mr. Turner should have written an apology letter to the victim and offered to pay for the counseling she continues to receive. Instead of revealing his lack of awareness, he could have used that energy to show compassion.

It’s tough being a father, but the difficulty of fatherhood doesn’t give us a hall pass to act foolishly.

“ It’s tough being a father, but the difficulty of fatherhood doesn’t give us a hall pass to act foolishly.

 This story reminded me of our responsibilities as fathers to our children, especially our sons.

• Love and care for them (Colossians 3:21).
• Discipline and correct them (Proverbs 19:18).
• Teach them to fear God and love people (Ephesians 6:4).
• Help them to understand that sin has consequences, and to take responsibility for their choices.
• Model true manhood and godliness before them (Genesis 18:19).
• Pray for them (Luke 9:38-39).

Fathers, let’s teach our sons to honor and respect women. To treat women as beautiful and precious. To protect every woman like he should and would protect his sisters. To treat her as somebody’s future wife. To refuse to objectify, dominate, dishonor and abuse. These are our mothers. Our sisters. Our wives. Our queens.

Let’s teach our girls to be strong, courageous, to respect themselves and demand respect from others, especially men, to make wise social choices, and to help and protect one another.

May we continue to raise our children in such a way that we will increase our chances of them being joy and not sorrow to us.

What are some other responsibilities that parents, especially fathers, have to their children?

See also:

21 Common Ways Children Dishonor Their Parents  

18 Common Ways Parents Provoke Their Children to Anger 

The post How Not to Be a Foolish Father appeared first on Marvin Williams.

On Tuesday, Trey Pearson, lead singer of the popular Christian rock band, Everyday Sunday, shocked the Christian community by coming out as gay.  This is no small story in the evangelical Christian community. Whether you listen to Trey Pearson’s music or not, this news is important for the Christian community and deserves a response.  

Since 2001, Trey Pearson and Everyday Sunday have sold 250,000 albums, with Wake Up! Wake Up! and Best Night of Our Lives being two of the most popular songs. Pearson, 35, who is married and has two children, in an open letter to his fans, ended his years of trying to hide his sexual identity:

I finally decided to come out because I couldn’t keep trying to be something that I wasn’t,” Pearson told the News Service, which broke the story in advance of an upcoming 12-page cover feature about his coming out in Columbus’ 614 Magazine. “I never wanted to be gay. I was scared of what God would think and what all of these people I loved would think about me; so it was never an option for me. 

Now, I don’t pretend to know what it took for Pearson to make this decision. I don’t pretend to understand all there is to know about his internal conflict with his sexuality. Did he choose to be gay or was he born this way? I know don’t know. These are significant questions that only Pearson can answer.

In the article, Pearson said he continues to read the Bible, pray, and practice all other elements of his faith as a follower of Jesus. Pearson believes that the Bible does not prohibit “the kind of loving, committed gay relationships known to the modern world.” It seems Pearson doesn’t see any conflict with being a practicing homosexual and a practicing Christian:

There is absolutely no conflict with accepting who I am and following Jesus,” he said. “God wants me to be healthy, authentic, whole, integrated and my truest self.

Pearson continues:

When you have committed your life to the belief that God hates homosexuality and all of a sudden your son is gay, there is a strain,” he added. “You’ve always loved him and been proud of him and wanted him to fall in love, but now it conflicts with all this theology in your head. But it is changing in our country and I would like to see that change in my family and my church.”

As I read this article, I experienced conflict in my heart. I had compassion for Pearson. The way he described his internal struggle, I can only imagine the hellish prison he endured and endures. Yet, I could not allow my compassion to outweigh my commitment to the clear principles of Scripture regarding human sexuality.

Also, it seemed like Pearson was advocating changing Scripture to fit a changing culture, rather than shaping culture with unchanging Scripture. I have a real problem with this line of thinking. I know these are complex times and this is a complex situation. It is not as simple as saying: “Trey, just get over it,” and “Pray the gay away.”  Yet, even in the midst of complexity and a changing culture, we are called to an uncompromising commitment to God and his word. How should followers of Jesus respond to Trey Pearson, popular Christian rock artist, coming out as gay?

First, we should continue to hold to the biblical standard of human sexuality. God created human sexuality (Genesis 1:27), and it behooves us to understand his perspective on it. Whether culture agrees with it or not, or whether a popular Christian music artist or pastor agrees with it or not, sexual sin is sexual sin. The Bible is still the Word of God and the standard of living for followers of Jesus. It is foundational and unchanging (Deuteronomy 4:2; 12:32; Revelation 22:19).

The Bible is the wisdom of God, and even if the culture has changed its mind about human sexuality, God has not changed his mind. The Bible, not culture, should and must shape our worldview about how we should view human sexuality and how we should live our lives. The Bible is either right or wrong, the truth or deceptive, on issues of holiness in human sexuality (John 17:17). If it is right, then it must be our standard of living for all aspect of our lives. If the Bible is wrong, then we are building our house on an unsure foundation, and it is a matter of time before the storm collapses the entire house. Thus, I don’t think we should apologize for embracing the Bible as our standard for living holy lives.

According to Scripture, if Pearson is a genuine follower of Jesus – I have no reason to believe he is not – I believe he has a few options:

1. He can remain married to his wife and have sexual relations with his wife only.  This would mean he would have to live with and submit his sexual identity struggles to the Lordship of Jesus each day.
2. If he chooses to divorce his wife, he must remain celibate. Like an unmarried heterosexual who is sinning, if he or she has premarital sex, Pearson would be sinning if he had homosexual sexual relations.
3. If he chooses to divorce his wife and decide to marry another man, or live in a monogamous sexually intimate homosexual relationship, then I believe he would be disobeying Scripture.

Second, we should pray for Trey Pearson and anyone who struggles with same-sex attraction and sexual identity issues. This is not a time to resort to homophobic slurs, fear, hatred, and Pharisaic self-righteousness. Not only should we pray for Trey and others who struggle with sexual identity issues, we should pray for ourselves, who struggle with racism and prejudice, gluttony, unforgiveness, anger, pride, materialism, greed, and lust.

Third, we should lead with love. In an attempt to protect God’s standard for human sexuality, we must not resort to being hateful and villainous toward the gay community. Our response as followers of the One who embodies love is to love everyone, yes, including those who practice homosexual conduct. We can live God’s standards and communicate what we believe without being obnoxious and hateful. Part of what this means is having meaningful and loving conversations with the LGBT community. The embarrassing part of this issue might be some followers of Jesus will boycott Trey’s future concerts and treat him like he isn’t an image-bearer. Let’s not embarrass the kingdom of God by being hateful.

Let’s trust God to lead us during and through these socially turbulent and uncertain times. God’s story has not changed. His plan for redeeming and reclaiming his creation is still on course. His method for redeeming the world hasn’t changed either – using his people to bring the light of the good news to the dark places in our world. We don’t have to force our light to shine; we humbly and simply let it shine by the way we love and by the way we live.

What are some other godly ways we can respond? 

See also:

The Way We Think About Sex Is Broken

The post Christian Lead Singer Announces He’s Gay appeared first on Marvin Williams.

In Part 1 of Good Sex: Biblical Keys to Unlocking Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, I gave you two guidelines or key to having good sex in your marriage. In this post I want to answer two questions: Are there legitimate times, however, when a married couple can or should abstain from sexual intimacy?  If so, why should a couple refrain from sexual intimacy?

Paul told the Corinthians that in order for them to experience good sex, intimacy, enjoyment and oneness in their marriage, a couple should actually do something that is counterintuitive. Paul says that in order for a couple to have good sex, they should:

• AGREE TO ABSTAIN FROM SEXUAL RELATIONS

… except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; v. 5

A married couple can and should abstain from sex with one another. According to our passage, there are three conditions that a couple should meet to refrain or not have sexual relations:

1. Mutual agreement
2. For a limited time
3. For the purpose of prayer – getting closer to God.

This period of abstinence requires a couple to communicate with one another. Healthy communication is one of the aphrodisiacs of the marriage relationship. Good sex is built on communication unity in the marriage. Both should agree on the period of abstinence.

This time of abstinence should be for a limited duration. This time, should not be weeks, months or years, but a reasonable period of time. Among other things, this brief period of abstinence creates desire and anticipation.

This period should be devoted to drawing closer to God and receiving guidance from Him. When we are seeking God in this way, we want as few distractions as possible. I suppose you could call this abstinence for drawing closer to God a sex fast – abstaining from sexual relations to devote our minds, bodies and our hearts to pursue God more deeply.

There is only one relationship more important than the marital relationship, and that is our relationship with God. We should, through mutual consent, decide to withhold sexual intimacy to get closer to God. Remember, being in fellowship with a good God is more important than having good sex. In fact, being in fellowship with God will only enhance your sexual intimacy.

There may be some couples listening to me right now, who are depriving one another of sexual intimacy, but it is not for the reason of praying and getting closer to God. Some couples are depriving one another because they are angry, too busy, too tired, or because of other unresolved issues.

If you are too busy, tired, or bitter for sex in your marriage, you are way too busy, tired and bitter. Now, if you are depriving your spouse of sex, and it is because of past sexual, physical or emotional abuse, seek help so you can work through those issues. If you are the one being deprived, ask God for the capacity to love beyond your present ability. There is a fourth guideline or key to unlocking sexual intimacy in marriage.

• RESUME NORMAL SEXUAL RELATIONS

but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

After this temporary abstinence, the couple should come together again for a normal and healthy sexual relations. If you were experiencing sexual intimacy 2-3 times a week, then you should resume that rhythm. If you received a word from the Lord to bump it up 2 or 3 more times, then we should not take anything away from his word. The key to having good sex is to resume normal and healthy sexual relations.

There is a legitimate reason for this command: to neutralize Satan’s temptations. Satan loves to wage war on marriage, and he uses the beautiful gift of sex to do it. If a couple goes without sex in their marriage for extended periods of times, then Satan will use it to make a business partner look good, or an email sound like an advance, or to create a warped emotional connection. If we are not careful, Satan will use depriving one another to tempt us to go to someone else to get our sexual needs fulfilled. This is not God’s plan. So, we are called to protect our marriages by being alert, but more importantly meeting one another’s sexual needs.

Questions

1. Should a married couple have sex when only one partner desires sex?

Yes. The passage we walked through over the last couple days indicates yes.

No. If you violate the law of love, then no you should not. If your spouse is genuinely fatigued or  ill, then your love should move you to honor his/her wishes. If there are emotional issues that prevent him/her from engaging in sexual intimacy, then you should honor that request. Now, if you are the responder, then you should give some indication when would be a good opportunity to be sexually intimate.

2. Is prayer and pursuing God the only time a couple should abstain from sexual relations?

There are some other exceptions, I believe. If there is physical and emotional abuse happening in the relationship or if there is physical, emotional and virtual unfaithfulness, then the couple should spend time and energy reconciling these issues before engaging in sex intimacy. Other than that, drawing closer to God seems to be the only legitimate reason a couple should abstain from sexual relations.

3. Is withholding sex from my spouse a sin?

Yes. This passage seems to say we are sinning against God and your spouse. We need to confess that like any other sin and repent of that sin. We could fit this sin into a couple of categories – selfishness and pride.

4. How often should a married couple have sex?

The Bible doesn’t give a number. This is something on which you should agree and be unified. No two people desire sex with the same frequency, so it is normal that one person will wish it more often than another. The spirit of Paul’s words here are that a couple should have sexual relations often enough that “the more eager” partner will not feel a regular strain of going unfulfilled. To put it in Paul’s terms, you are not having intercourse frequently enough if you “burn with passion” (7:9).

5. What sexual practices are okay and what sexual practices are not okay in marriage?

There are various opinions about this subject. So, I offer you my opinion as I understand what the Scriptures say and do not say. First, mutuality is key. This means you can do what is mutually agreed upon. Both spouses will have to sacrifice and make adjustments for the sake of oneness and intimacy. The wife may have to go beyond her comfort zone. The husband may have to give up his fantasy of having sex 5 times a day. These kinds of sacrifices must be made for the sake of the bigger and grander vision of oneness and intimacy in the relationship.

Specific practices that often fit this question are oral sex, rear-vaginal penetration, various positions, and who should initiate. I see no prohibitions or injunctions in Scripture of these kinds of behaviors. Again, if these kinds of behaviors do not provide mutual pleasure or make your spouse uncomfortable, then you should refrain. To insist he/she do something that is uncomfortable or painful is not loving and will only lead to resentment and make him/her “feel less than.”

Now, I want to emphasize that there are sexual practices that the Bible forbids: adultery (this includes swinging), pre-marital sex, bestiality, incest, rape, homosexual intercourse, and pornography. Though there are no verses that say we shouldn’t, I would advise against couples using or watching pornographic video and books to spice of their sex lives. I believe these types of behaviors increase our chances of violating Jesus’ lust principle in Matthew 5:27-30.

God gave us this beautiful gift call sex for us to enjoy in the context of marriage. For some couples, sex has been everything they dreamed. Unfortunately, for others, it has been pain and a big disappointment, to say the least. I believe when we have sex with our spouses only, strive to mutually fulfill one another’s sexual needs, abstain for a period of time to draw close to and hear from God, and then resume normal sexual relations, God will begin to unlock and increase the joy of sexual intimacy in our marriages.

What was particularly helpful to you in this post? 

What questions do you still have regarding what God says about sexual intimacy? 

Also, check out:

The Way We Think About Sex Is Broken: 5 Principles That Should Shape Our Thinking About Sex

Good Sex: Biblical Keys To Unlocking Sexual Intimacy in Marriage

The post Good Sex appeared first on Marvin Williams.

cialis uk click to find out moreFor most Christians, we got married so we could have good sex – God-honoring sex.  Sex is not the marriage, but it certainly is one of the perks and benefits of the marital relationship. But, how do we discover, rediscover, and maintain healthy sexual intimacy in marriage? Are there keys or guidelines to unlocking the door of “good sex” in marriage?

For some married couples, sexual intimacy has been everything they hoped and dreamed. Unfortunately, for other couples, sexual intimacy is elusive. To say it has been one big disappointment is an understatement.  You wonder if you will ever experience the joy of sexual intimacy. You have questions: Are there guidelines for sexual intimacy in marriage? How often should we have sex? What if I don’t feel like it, doI still have to? What if my spouse doesn’t deserve sex, do I still have to give it to him/her?  

The Corinthians sent Paul a letter, asking him similar questions. He wrote 1 Corinthians 7 to clarify many of their questions, including, what are guidelines for sex in marriage and are there keys to unlocking sexual intimacy in marriage?

Paul says, the first key or guideline to experiencing good sex in marriage is found in the safety of exclusivity.

•  EXPERIENCE SEX ONLY WITH YOUR SPOUSE

But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. 1 Corinthians 7:2

Good sex – God-honoring sex begins with a very basic guideline: Have sex only with your spouse. Paul starts his answer to them in verse 2. There was such rampant sexual immorality in Corinth that Paul had to give them this very basic guideline. Sex is a wonderful gift from God, and it is designed to be a pleasurable experience between a husband and wife.

Paul says to the Corinthians that each should have their own spouse. “Should have” is a euphemism for having your own wife and your own husband, sexually. It was very common in this culture for men to have a wife plus other women, particularly prostitutes and mistresses on the side. Paul deals with these ungodly cultural norms head on. If couples were to have good sex – God-honoring sex, then the husband was to exclusively experience sex with his wife and the wife was to exclusively experience sex with her husband.

Now, what I am about to say does not excuse unfaithfulness/infidelity. The chances are greater for your husband to commit adultery if you deprive him of sexual intimacy in your marriage. The chances are greater for your wife be unfaithful to you if you deprive her of regular and healthy sexual intimacy. Now, a couple should not have sex out of fear, but out of love for God and one another.  I believe the chances for unfaithfulness go down considerably when couples settle the exclusivity question very early in the dating and pre-marital counseling phase of their relationship.

Good sex begins when we experience sex only with our spouse. Paul, however, gave the second key or guideline to unlocking sexual intimacy in marriage.

• FULFILL THE SEXUAL NEEDS OF YOUR SPOUSE

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise,  the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another, … 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

The Greeks and Romans believed that the husband had certain responsibilities to the wife, primary among them the right of financial support. Beyond this, it was assumed that the husband would take lovers so long as he was discreet and did not embarrass his family. This was a “jacked up” principle, but it was a reality in Corinth. Paul squashed that with the quickness and would have nothing to do with this corrupt thinking and double standard. A Christian husband and wife could neutralize Satan’s attempt to hijack their marriage, not only by refraining from infidelity but by fulfilling one another’s sexual needs.

Part of the responsibility of marriage is to humbly and gladly meet the various needs of the partner (Gen. 2:18), including sexual needs.

Moreover, in marriage, each partner relinquishes certain personal rights, including the exclusive right to his or her own body. Neither person has complete authority over his or her own body in marriage. Note that Paul was careful to give both husband and wife equal rights in these verses. He did not regard the man as having sexual rights or needs that the woman does not have or vice versa.

The phrase “should give” is an interesting phrase. We can find this same word in Matthew 22:21. Just as citizens owed taxes to Caesar, the husband owes his wife sexual intimacy and the wife owes her husband sexual intimacy.  She deserves sexual intimacy. He deserves sexual intimacy. This is an obligation to one another because of the marital covenant.

Hold up, Marvin! Wait one minute!

What if she doesn’t deserve it or hasn’t earned it?
What if he doesn’t deserve or hasn’t earned it?
What if she’s a whiny drama queen?
What if he’s a lazy bum?

Hear me very carefully. Sex was never designed to be a weapon to discipline the husband and to discipline the wife. Nor is it a reward for good behavior. It is part of the marital agreement.

“ Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is non-negotiable.

Sexual intimacy between a husband and wife is non-negotiable.

If you are the wife, it is unbiblical for you to think or say: 

“If you’re a good little boy, then we can have sex. If you are a bad little boy then I will withhold it from you.”

If you are the husband, it is unbiblical for you to think or say: 

“If you have been a good little girl, then I will reward you with sex.” If you have been a bad little girl, then I will deprive you of sexual intimacy.”

This is not how God designed sex in marriage. He designed it to be part of the marital benefits. Husbands and wives aren’t supposed to deprive, rob, cheat, withhold sexual pleasure from one another. If couples deprive one another of sexual intimacy, they are sinning against God and one another.

Now, I must admit, there are some factors that may contribute to one spouse depriving another of sexual relations in marriage. Sometimes, this is intentional and other times it is unintentional.

What are some reasons why a couple might deprive one another of sexual intimacy?

• Sometimes, couples don’t have the desire to be intimate – changes in life, having children, feeling body shame, menstrual cycle, and unfaithfulness of any kind.
• Sometimes, couples don’t have the energy to have sex – busy schedules, stress, illness, carrying the burden of house and kids alone, lack of exercise, poor diet, and being preoccupied with watching sports (Tonia told me to include this).
• Sometimes couples don’t enjoy sexual intimacy because of the issues of the past – sexual abuse, infidelity, and other sexual brokenness.

When it comes to having good sex – God-honoring sex, the key to fulfilling the sexual needs of your spouse is making humble adjustments. Men and women are different. However, women are vastly superior to men at being women and men are vastly superior to women at being men. Good sex happens in a marriage when both spouses release their rights and genuinely serve one another.

What if my spouse wants sex all the time? Do we have to have sex all the time? Can I get a break? Are there legitimate times, however, when a married couple can or should abstain from sexual intimacy? Paul says, “Yes, you can have a break from sex, and there is a time when you can abstain from sexual intimacy.” We’ll cover the third and fourth keys and answer some questions you might have, in the next post.

Check out The Way We Think About Sex Is Broken, and discover why God gave us the beautiful gift of sex.

What was particularly helpful for you in this post? 

What would you add to help couples increase sexual intimacy in their marriages? 

The post Good Sex appeared first on Marvin Williams.