If the Lord says the same, on July 10th, Tonia and I will be married 23 years. I am humbled, grateful and excited. We have had many ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and a lot of amazing days and some “Meh” days. But, over the last two decades, we have a done a few simple things to strengthen our relationship.

The truth is, marriage or any relationship for that matter, is hard work. Yes, it’s hard work, but you can maintain the spark and strengthen your relationship for the long haul. How do we enhance our relationship so it can last through the difficult times?

• Appreciate your partner regularly. The lack of appreciation for your partner will inevitably lead to us taking them for granted. So, say positive things about your partner.

• Connect daily with your partner. Before we leave the house, Tonia and I ask one another what’s in store for the day. This helps us to know how to pray for one another. Not only do we connect before we leave the house, but we also connect during the day through text messages and calls. Then, when we come home, we review our day with one another.

• Nurture transparency. Opening your life to your mate is one way to develop transparency in your relationship. One simple way Tonia and I cultivate openness in our relationship is by sharing online passwords. My mantra is: “Nothing to hide. Nothing to fear.”

• Forgive your partner immediately. Life is too short to remain angry with one another for extended periods of time. The Bible says we should not let the sun go down on our anger or conflict. So, when you experience conflict, take the time to cool down and resolve the dispute before you go to bed.

• Have dinner together. With varying schedules, I know this can be difficult. But, winning back the dinner table is significant in strengthening our relationships. At the dinner table, we share the events of the day and connect emotionally. So, as much as possible, share dinner together several nights a week.

• Ask one another “God sighting” questions. In my humble opinion, there is nothing stronger than asking your partner: “Where do you see God showing up in your life these days?” Or, “What has God been saying to you today?”

• Accept your partner for who God has created them to be. Nothing weakens a relationship more than trying to change your partner. The sooner we realized this, the more joy we had in our relationship. God created them the way they are, and only God can change them to be who he wants them to be. So, let’s stop playing the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives.

• Develop your code language. Tonia and I have developed our insider code language. Sometimes, we use language from our favorite movies or television shows. Other times, we use language from a funny memory. When there is miscommunication, one of us might refer to the Christmas in Chicago, and we both will laugh out loud. These moments create intimacy and intimacy strengthens the bond in the relationship.

• Ask your partner their opinion and listen. “What do you think about …..?” is a compelling question. It is a matter of invitation and honor. This question lets your partner know you value them and their opinion.

• Be vulnerable. You don’t always have to be strong. Your vulnerability is not a sign of weakness; it is an indicator of strength. Let your partner know your struggles. According to James 5:16, our healing is found in vulnerability.

• Practice honesty. Nothing destroys the foundation of a relationship quicker than lies. Be honest. Tell the truth to one another. Truthfulness and honesty are fruits of the new nature.

• Listen actively. I am so guilty of preparing my answer while Tonia is still talking. I miss so much when I do this. So, I practice actively listening. When Tonia is talking, and she wants an answer or an opinion about something, I attempt to repeat back to her – in her words – what I thought I heard. This helps me to pay attention, and it gives her a chance to clarify her words. Sometimes, our partners don’t want solutions; they only want to be heard.

• Express gratitude for your partner daily. Saying thank you goes a long way.

• Realize you don’t always have to be right. Winning the relationship is infinitely more important than winning the argument.

• Put your partner before yourself. Selfishness is the death of any relationship. Find ways to put your partner first.

• Protect your relationship from emotional affairs. Infidelity – physical or emotional – ruins relationships.  When do not resolve conflict, it is easy to vilify our partners and fantasize about being with someone else. So, guard your heart.

• Talk about money. Spend time communicating about money – how you will spend it, save it, and give it away.

• Have sex regularly.  Now, this is strictly for married couples. When we don’t satisfy one another sexually, we open the door for Satan to tempt us to have emotional and physical affairs. Sexual intimacy is not strong enough to keep a relationship together, but it does help strengthen the relationship.

• Pray together. I love hearing Tonia pray for me and she loves it when she hears me praying for her. I know this may seem awkward at first, but believe me, praying for one another strengthens the foundation of your relationship.

• Have a date night. If you dated her in the beginning, continue dating her now. Whether it is once a week or every other week, intentionally plan a date night.

Developing a strong marriage/relationship takes work and intentionality. It is like planting a garden. Whatever seeds you plant, is the fruit you will reap at harvest time. So, what are you planting?

What are some other simple ways we can strengthen our relationships? 

The post 20 Simple Ways To Strengthen Your Relationship appeared first on Marvin Williams.

We are about to celebrate Thanksgiving – the day we set aside to express gratitude. Though the Bible says that gratitude should be a lifestyle, we often fall short of this ideal. So, how do we stop our chronic complaining and build a life of gratitude?

Gratitude is God’s will and purpose for our lives. And, yet, we can be complainers and grumblers. I have internal complaints and murmurings about all kinds of things – from weather to geography to traffic to lack of money to all sorts of other things. If you are anything like me, you probably have a few things about which you complain. What are some practical steps we can take to build a life and habit of gratitude?

Ingratitude

We cannot talk about gratitude without first mentioning its arch enemy – ingratitude. Ingratitude was the first evidence of the fall in the Garden of Eden. Eve showed ingratitude for God’s provision by not trusting him as a good Father (Genesis 3:2-3). So, ingratitude is part of the fallen human nature (Romans 1:21) and a sign of the last days (2 Timothy 3:2).

Ingratitude is such a deep brokenness in us that the Bible compares it to becoming like animals (Isaiah 1:3), prostitutes (Ezekiel 16:17-19), and an adulteress wife (Hosea 2:8; 4:12; 5:4; 9:1). How do we avoid being compared to animals, prostitutes, and whores?

Gratitude in the New Testament

Paul mentions the subject of thanksgiving in his letters more often than any other Hellenistic author, pagan or Christian. He uses the verb and noun form well over 50 times. Today, I want to focus on the verb. In the 23 times, the verb is used, it is always directed toward God and never toward people or circumstances. This is important because in directing gratitude toward God, we recognize that the source of all our blessings is God (1 Corinthians 1:4; 1 Thessalonians 1:2).

Now, there is nothing wrong with thanking people. However, if we want to have a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the concept of gratitude, we should always direct our thanksgiving to God, even as we appreciate people.

Focus on Thank You Second Word and Not the First

The first step in building a life of gratitude is always to focus on “thank you” as the second word and not the first. The word thanksgiving  in the New Testament (eucharisteo) is built on another paramount Greek New Testament word – “charis.” The word “charis” means grace. Grace is God’s favor that we don’t deserve and cannot earn. God gives us something that we don’t deserve so he can get the desired response – praise, worship, and gratitude. Therefore, we must intentionally reflect on and discover the grace/favor of God in our lives. Discovering grace gives breath and life to our appreciation.

The most obvious grace/favor is the Good News of the life, death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus. When we reflect on the grace of the gospel and how it has and continues to transform us, our supernatural response should spontaneous gratitude. So, we should focus on thanksgiving as the second word and not the first.

Spend Time Expressing Gratitude for The Gift of people.

Paul uses the verb in connection with individuals who had added value to his life and his ministry, had progressed in their faith (Romans 1:8), partnered with him in taking the gospel to various places (Philippians 1:3), used their gifts and abilities to advance the gospel (1 Corinthians 1:4), risked their lives for him (1 Corinthians 1:14; 14:18). Paul recognized that people are gifts from God. So, our gratitude should be directed toward God for the gifts of individuals. To be theologically correct, we should not thank people directly, but thank God for people. So, spend time expressing gratitude for the gift of people in your life.

Parents – for their influence
Pastors – for insights and directions/guidance
Friends – for being there during difficult times
Teachers – for belief in our abilities, influence in our lives
People in your ministry – for their gifting and partnership, cooperation
Congregations – for people who are growing in their walk
Authority figures – for government officials who help us maintain our freedoms
Neighbors – for watching out for you and loaning you tools
Co-workers – for helping you complete a project
Enemies – for causing you pain. Even in pain, there is a grace – the grace to make you look more and more like Jesus.

Therefore, when God blesses us through the grace of people, we should say something like: “Mary, I thank God for you and how you responded to my financial, emotional, or spiritual needs.” 

When we don’t intentionally remember people who have added values to our lives, we run the risk of thinking we’ve arrived where we are on our own. Those who were born on third base will delude themselves into thinking they hit a triple. When we take inventory of our lives, we conclude that God has used a host of people to add value and provide opportunities that we would not otherwise have.

Focus On What is True About God

When adversity comes, and there seems to be no reason to be grateful, focus on what is true about God. He is still in control. God is large and in charge and is in control even when life seems out of control. Paul encouraged his hearers to give thanks in everything (1 Thessalonians 5:18). Paul directed this command at people’s will and not their emotions. Thanksgiving is a choice. I understand this is tough, but we should remember that gratitude is not a feeling that dictates our choices; it is a choice that affects our emotions. We must choose to thank God despite feelings. It is a mistake to wait until we feel like being thankful to be thankful.

When adversity comes, let’s thank him in advance and make a declaration of faith – God is God, and he will use this situation for his glory and our good. The ultimate goal of all of our gratitude is to increase thanksgiving among God’s people so that in the end the glory of God will increase in the world.

For what and whom are you grateful? 

The post What Most Christians Get Wrong About Gratitude appeared first on Marvin Williams.